Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
