Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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