Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
