There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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