I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
