Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
