Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
