I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
