do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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