I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
