my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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