he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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