Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
