Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
