i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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