im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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