I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
