yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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