He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I need to wash the frat house off of me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
