its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
