Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize
