i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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