I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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