There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
