I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
