Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
