I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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