I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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