I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
