ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
