The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
