I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
