You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
