i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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