look no pants
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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