On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
