Pregnant stripper...not hot.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i drank out of a bidet.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
