Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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