im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
