Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
