Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
