I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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