Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have aggressive nipples.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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