I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
