"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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