i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
