Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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