so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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