so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
