He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
