My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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