and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
not ubering you a puppy
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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