Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
