well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
